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幽默: 异地恋爱

  • 2026-04-04 03:51:32
幽默: 异地恋爱
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吃饭
一天晚上，我和老婆在一家餐馆吃饭，快吃完了，还有一条鱼没上来。老婆说：“退了吧？” 我说：“你要说退，服务员肯定说已经做上了，算了吧。” 老婆：“这事我来办。” 于是她喊：“服务员！” 服务员过来，老婆问：“我们点的鱼做好了吗？” 服务员：“正在做，马上就好。” 老婆：“你去问一下，如果没做的话，请给我们换成龙虾。” 服务员很快就回来了，说：“鱼还没有做，给你们换成龙虾了。” 老婆：“你确定鱼没有做？” 服务员：“确定！”老婆：“那好吧！龙虾别做了，现在买单！”
异地
谈了一个异地恋，我妈死活不同意，女友坐了两个多小时的飞机过来看我，却被我妈放在了门外，我妈一把鼻涕一把泪的说：“阿姨，求求你，放过我们一家吧！”
心疼
正要出门 老妈说 要下雨了 带着雨衣吧 你淋雨我心疼啊 我心想还是老妈疼我啊 于是说 好的老妈 谢谢！老妈白了我一眼说 我跟你老爸打电话呢 有你啥事儿啊？
表述
我看了款包，闺蜜问我买了么？我:我都连续去看了一周了，店家也没卖出去，我觉得那包应该不值那个价，没买。闺蜜:把穷表述的这么清新脱俗也只有你了！
告诫
上班吃外卖真的对身体特别不好，外卖的食材大多不新鲜，不新鲜就会用各种酸，辣，味精，盐等调料来掩盖。吃多了，味觉会退化，你吃东西会越来越重口味，给肠胃和肾脏都会带来很重的负担，久而久之消化系统也会受损。所以，郑重告诫各位朋友：珍爱生命，不要上班。
身材
见过一些妹子，把自己男朋友的T恤穿在身上，因为太大而松松垮垮，衣身太长遮住大半个身体，衣袖太长手指都没法露出来，感觉特别可爱，于是你也想试试，就把男朋友的衣服往身上套，结果穿得比他还合身....
脑补
问：你“想太多”的程度有多严重？
答：你们试过打死了只小虫子后，脑中会小剧场它妈妈在家里等着它回家，一直等不到而伤心欲绝吗？
后悔
小时候有次被老爸揍完后躺床上，刚好牙齿换牙拿手摇摇就出血了，往地下吐了两口血水，老爸进来看见吓呆了，我想起武侠片的情节，呻吟到：我估计不行了，真后悔来这世上…… 老爸顿时抱着我跑去医院，一路哭……回来的时候，我被揍得真的后悔来这世上了
训话
领导今天开会训话：男员工骚扰女员工触犯公司天条，一经举报，立马开除。有人问：要是女员工骚扰男员工呢?领导：那。。。算是公司福利吧。。。
密码
我老婆想登上她最爱的时尚网站，但她想不起来密码了：“密码是4位数，你觉得我会用什么做密码呢？一定是很容易想到的...”我说：“试试XXXL。”
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  1. CONNECT:[ UseTime:0.000497s ] mysql:host=127.0.0.1;port=3306;dbname=d_mffb;charset=utf8mb4
  2. SHOW FULL COLUMNS FROM `fenlei` [ RunTime:0.000544s ]
  3. SELECT * FROM `fenlei` WHERE `fid` = 0 [ RunTime:0.000227s ]
  4. SELECT * FROM `fenlei` WHERE `fid` = 63 [ RunTime:0.003903s ]
  5. SHOW FULL COLUMNS FROM `set` [ RunTime:0.000490s ]
  6. SELECT * FROM `set` [ RunTime:0.001121s ]
  7. SHOW FULL COLUMNS FROM `article` [ RunTime:0.000532s ]
  8. SELECT * FROM `article` WHERE `id` = 477744 LIMIT 1 [ RunTime:0.002116s ]
  9. UPDATE `article` SET `lasttime` = 1775771894 WHERE `id` = 477744 [ RunTime:0.008481s ]
  10. SELECT * FROM `fenlei` WHERE `id` = 65 LIMIT 1 [ RunTime:0.000281s ]
  11. SELECT * FROM `article` WHERE `id` < 477744 ORDER BY `id` DESC LIMIT 1 [ RunTime:0.005288s ]
  12. SELECT * FROM `article` WHERE `id` > 477744 ORDER BY `id` ASC LIMIT 1 [ RunTime:0.004198s ]
  13. SELECT * FROM `article` WHERE `id` < 477744 ORDER BY `id` DESC LIMIT 10 [ RunTime:0.006352s ]
  14. SELECT * FROM `article` WHERE `id` < 477744 ORDER BY `id` DESC LIMIT 10,10 [ RunTime:0.007461s ]
  15. SELECT * FROM `article` WHERE `id` < 477744 ORDER BY `id` DESC LIMIT 20,10 [ RunTime:0.007477s ]
0.116470s