The New Dating Dictionary
新约会词典
Young people seek connection, but their words focus on limiting emotional risk.
年轻人渴望与人建立联系，但他们的言语却侧重于降低情感风险。
Posted March 27, 2026 | Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
发布于2026 年 3 月 27 日 | 评论者：哈拉·埃斯特罗夫·马拉诺
Modern dating vocabulary reflects how young people navigate emotional risk and avoid direct communication.Dating trends describe ambiguity and avoidance over clarity, commitment, and organic love.Positive words for mutual satisfying relationships are rare. What does this say about modern love?
现代约会用语反映了年轻人如何应对情感风险并避免直接沟通。约会趋势表现为暧昧和回避，而非清晰的表达、承诺和自然而然的爱情。对彼此满意关系的积极评价很少见。这反映了现代爱情的什么问题？
In previous generations, dating language was straightforward. We said we were “dating” or “going out,” and if the relationship progressed, we were “going steady.” The words themselves implied security and direction.
在过去，谈恋爱的语言很简单。我们会说“约会”或“出去玩”，如果关系进一步发展，就会说“稳定交往”。这些词语本身就蕴含着安全感和方向感。
Today, young people have developed a different dating vocabulary, rich with terms for undefined relationships ("situationship," "soft launching") and indirect communication ("ghosting"). Positive labels for loving, trusting, and committed relationships are missing. Yet, when I speak with clients and college students from across the country, they share their desire for those things.
如今，年轻人发展出了一套截然不同的约会词汇，其中充斥着描述暧昧关系（例如“暧昧关系”、“试探性交往”）和间接沟通方式（例如“玩消失”）的词汇。然而，用来形容充满爱、信任和承诺的积极词汇却寥寥无几。尽管如此，当我与来自全国各地的客户和大学生交流时，他们都表达了对这些美好关系的渴望。
As one 22-year-old said, "Most people I know want something real. They just don't want to get hurt trying."
正如一位22岁的年轻人所说：“我认识的大多数人都想要一段真挚的感情。他们只是不想在尝试的过程中受到伤害。”
If daters long for authentic connection, why has their vocabulary become a map of how to avoid it? It is worth examining what modern dating language makes visible.
如果约会者渴望建立真诚的联系，为什么他们的用语却变成了逃避这种联系的指南？现代约会语言揭示了什么，值得我们深入探究。
Three Themes in the New Dating Dictionary
新约会词典中的三个主题
Three broad themes emerge in contemporary dating vernacular: optionality, ambiguity, and easy exits. Together, they reflect a relational environment organized around managing effort and minimizing emotional risk.
当代约会语境中涌现出三大主题：选择权、模糊性和便捷退出机制。它们共同反映了一种以控制付出和最小化情感风险为核心的关系环境。
Optionality: The Illusion of Endless Choice
选择权：无限选择的错觉
Modern dating environments present potential partners as abundant and replaceable. Apps and social platforms create the perception that there is always someone else available. With this mindset, meaningful investment may feel less appealing.
现代约会环境让潜在伴侣显得众多且可替代。各种应用程序和社交平台营造出一种错觉，仿佛总有其他人可供选择。在这种心态下，认真投入一段感情的吸引力可能会降低。
Optionality is reflected in the language. Terms like roster dating, benching, roaching, and cushioning point to a pattern in which multiple partners are pursued or maintained simultaneously. A partner may keep several people in rotation, texting each just enough to create interest, while making loose plans "just in case” something better comes along.
选择权体现在语言中。“轮换约会”、“备胎”、“暧昧”和“缓冲”等词汇都指向一种同时追求或维系多个伴侣的模式。一方可能会轮流与几个人保持联系，与每个人保持适度的短信互动以引起他们的兴趣，同时制定一些不成文的计划，以防“万一”出现更好的选择。
Research suggests these strategies backfire. Pronk and Denissen (2020) found that daters who held out for the best possible partner were less likely to form a connection. When presented with too many options, people find it more difficult to commit to any one of them.
研究表明，这些策略往往会适得其反。Pronk 和 Denissen（2020）发现，那些一心寻找最佳伴侣的约会者反而更难建立起亲密关系。当面临过多选择时，人们会发现很难对其中任何一个做出承诺。
In one well-known study, shoppers shown 24 varieties of jam were significantly less likely to make a purchase than those shown just six (Iyengar & Lepper, 2000). The paradox of choice theory contends that more options increase anxiety and decrease satisfaction (Schwartz, 2004). In dating, the perception of endless alternatives can make investing in any one person feel riskier because it requires giving up other possibilities.
在一项著名的研究中，向购物者展示24种果酱后，他们的购买意愿显著低于只展示6种果酱的购物者（Iyengar & Lepper，2000）。选择悖论理论认为，更多的选择会增加焦虑，降低满意度（Schwartz，2004）。在约会中，面对无穷无尽的选择，人们会觉得投入到某个人身上风险更大，因为这意味着要放弃其他可能性。
Ambiguity: Protection Against Emotional Risk
模糊性：抵御情绪风险的保护机制
A second defining feature of modern dating language is ambiguity. Terms such as situationships, breadcrumbing, friends with benefits, and soft launching describe connections without clearly stated intentions or expectations. Such arrangements allow for connection and intimacy, without emotional vulnerability or accountability.
现代约会语言的第二个显著特征是模糊性。诸如“暧昧关系”、“面包屑式约会”、“炮友”和“软启动”之类的词汇，描述的是一些没有明确意图或期望的关系。这种安排允许建立联系和亲密关系，却无需承担情感上的脆弱或责任。
Ambiguity can serve a protective function. The logic may be, if nothing is clearly defined, nothing is fully lost. However, ambiguity often creates uncertainty and distress. One graduate student described her eight-month situationship with regret and confusion. She knew every detail of her partner’s daily life and met his friends. What she did not know was whether she was his girlfriend.
模糊性有时可以起到保护作用。其逻辑可能是：如果一切都没有明确定义，就不会彻底失去什么。然而，模糊性往往会带来不确定性和痛苦。一位研究生带着遗憾和困惑描述了她长达八个月的“暧昧关系”。她了解伴侣日常生活的每一个细节，也见过他的朋友。但她不知道的是，自己是否是他的女朋友。
Easy Exits: Avoidance Over Repair
轻松脱身：逃避胜于修补
The third pattern is the growing cultural ease of disengagement. Terms such as ghosting, slow fading, catch and release, zombieing, and submarining describe how a partner ends or suspends a relationship without direct communication.
第三种模式是文化上越来越容易出现断绝关系的情况。诸如“幽灵式分手”、“缓慢淡出”、“捕获后释放”、“僵尸式分手”和“潜航式分手”之类的词语，都描述了伴侣如何在不进行直接沟通的情况下结束或中止一段关系。
For example, a partner may abruptly stop responding after months of consistent interaction, leaving the other person to interpret the silence. Others stop contact but remain visible enough to view social media stories or like posts but never re-engage directly. No one says what happened, or more important, that this is a break-up.
例如，伴侣可能在几个月的持续互动后突然停止回复，让另一方自行解读这种沉默。有些人会停止联系，但仍然会在社交媒体上露面，比如浏览动态或点赞帖子，但从不直接互动。没有人说出发生了什么，更重要的是，没有人承认这是分手。
The behaviors may reduce immediate discomfort for the person leaving but they deny the other person explanation or closure. I hear many young women say they have come to expect avoidance and unannounced break-ups. As a result, couples do not practice communication and relationship-repair skills. Such patterns erode the social norms that relationships, even brief or casual ones, deserve an honest ending.
这些行为或许能减轻离开者眼前的不适，却剥夺了对方解释和了结的权利。我经常听到年轻女性抱怨，她们已经习惯了被逃避和不告而别。结果，情侣之间缺乏沟通和修复关系的技巧。这种模式正在侵蚀社会规范，即即使是短暂或随意的关系，也应该有一个坦诚的结局。
The Fear Beneath the Vocabulary
词汇背后的恐惧
The new dating language language may demonstrate what psychologists have long described as the approach-avoidance conflict (Lewin, 1935). In relationships, we see this with individuals who are drawn toward connection yet pull away to protect themselves from potential loss and pain. The idea of a committed relationship is both appealing and distressing.
这种新的约会语言或许体现了心理学家长期以来所描述的趋避冲突（Lewin，1935）。在人际关系中，我们可以看到，有些人渴望建立联系，却又为了保护自己免受潜在的损失和痛苦而选择退缩。一段稳定的恋爱关系既令人向往，又令人感到不安。
Fogarty (1979) described the pursuer-distancer dynamic in which one partner moves toward connection and the other, feeling the pressure of emotional expectations, retreats. The distancer is usually not uninterested, they are more fearful. As emotional intimacy deepens, so does the perceived risk of rejection. One partner then creates distance, often outside of awareness, in an effort to feel safer.
福格蒂（1979）描述了一种“追求者-疏离者”的动态关系：一方努力建立亲密关系，而另一方则因感受到情感期待的压力而选择退缩。疏离者通常并非不感兴趣，而是出于恐惧。随着情感亲密程度的加深，被拒绝的风险也随之增加。为了寻求安全感，一方往往会在无意识的情况下制造距离。
Contemporary dating culture has a vocabulary of behaviors around this fear.
当代约会文化中存在着一套围绕这种恐惧而形成的行为准则。
Recognition Can Create Change
认可可以带来改变
Mike, a college senior, says he wants to get married and have a family someday. In the meantime, he moves through a series of intentionally undefined relationships. He admits he's “gotten good at ghosting.” When we look more closely, the pattern becomes clear. He isn't dissatisfied with any particular person, he's afraid of committing to the "wrong" one. As he articulates this, something shifts. "I keep saying I haven't found the right person," he says, "but honestly, I haven't given anyone a real chance."
即将毕业的大学四年级学生迈克说，他想结婚生子。但在此之前，他却陷入了一系列刻意模糊不清的恋爱关系中。他承认自己“很擅长玩消失”。仔细观察后，我们发现其中的规律。他并非对某个人不满，而是害怕和“错的人”建立关系。当他这样解释时，他的想法似乎发生了转变。“我一直说我还没找到对的人，”他说，“但说实话，我根本没给任何人真正的机会。”
The recognition of the conflict between his stated desires and actual behavior inspired change.
他意识到自己所宣称的愿望与实际行为之间的冲突，这促使他做出改变。
What the Language Leaves Out
语言遗漏了什么
The current dating landscape has dozens of terms for creating distance, staying noncommittal, and leaving quietly. There is not a shared language for building connection. Even expressions for strong feelings are framed in subtly negative ways. Terms such as “down bad,” “swooning,” and “locked-in” imply losing control or over-investing, rather than participating in something grounded and positive.
如今的约会环境中充斥着几十种用来形容保持距离、不愿承诺以及悄然离开的词汇。却缺乏一种用来建立联系的通用语言。就连表达强烈情感的方式，也往往带有微妙的负面意味。“坠入爱河”、“神魂颠倒”和“深陷其中”之类的词语 ，暗示着失去控制或过度投入，而非参与到一段稳固而积极的关系中。
When a culture becomes fluent in the language of disconnection, those patterns may feel like the only option. On the other hand, naming what couples actually want—reliability, responsiveness, the willingness to repair—make it more visible and, ultimately, more attainable. For many young adults struggling with dating, this may be where the work begins.
当一种文化习惯于用“疏离”这种语言来表达情感时，这些模式或许会让人觉得是唯一的选择。另一方面，如果能明确指出伴侣真正想要的是什么——可靠性、回应性、修复关系的意愿——就能让这些需求更加清晰可见，最终也更容易实现。对于许多在恋爱中挣扎的年轻人来说，这或许是他们努力的起点。
