You go on three great dates.
你进行了三次很棒的约会。
The conversation is easy.
对话很简单。
They text constantly for a week.
他们发了一周的短信。
Then they disappear for two days.
然后他们消失了两天。
When they return, they act as if nothing happened.
当他们回来时，他们表现得好像什么都没发生过。
You go along.
你继续前进。
You want to ask why they didn't respond, but you refrain.
你想问他们为什么不回应，但你忍住了。
It might make you seem too needy.
这可能会让你显得过于依赖他人。
Best to just play it cool.
最好还是保持冷静。
Scenarios like this aren't only confusing.
这样的情景不仅令人困惑。
They're exhausting.
它们令人疲惫不堪。
But the real villain isn't men, women, or some culture war issue-it's dating apps.
但真正的罪魁祸首不是男人、女人，也不是什么文化战争问题——而是约会软件。
Through dating apps as a technology and as a business model, insecurity has been structurally built into modern dating.
通过约会应用作为一种技术和商业模式，不安全感被结构性地植入了现代约会中。
More than 350 million people worldwide now use dating apps, generating over $6 billion annually.
全球目前有超过3.5亿人使用约会软件，每年产生超过60亿美元的收入。
Yet users are faring worse by almost every psychological measure.
然而，从几乎每一项心理指标来看，用户的情况都在恶化。
A 2025 U.K. cohort study found that dating app use was associated with greater loneliness, while general social media showed no such effect.
2025年英国一项队列研究发现，约会软件的使用与更强烈的孤独感相关，而普通社交媒体则未显示这种影响。
Many studies have linked dating app use to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and psychological distress.
许多研究将约会应用的使用与更高的抑郁、焦虑和心理困扰发生率联系起来。
People are not just frustrated with these apps.
人们对这些应用不仅仅是感到沮丧。
They are leaving, or giving up on dating altogether.
他们正在离开，或者完全放弃约会。
The Los Angeles Times reports that since 2022, Tinder's U.S. monthly active users have dropped from roughly 18 million to 11 million.
《洛杉矶时报》报道称，自2022年以来，Tinder在美国的月活跃用户数已从约1800万下降至1100万。
What many of these daters don't realize: the bad workman really does have bad tools.
这些约会者中的许多人没有意识到：拙劣的工匠确实拥有拙劣的工具。
As a clinical psychiatrist, I have personally determined that dating apps can create an environment that accentuates insecurity and may stifle secure relationship building.
作为一名临床精神科医生，我个人认为交友软件会营造一种放大不安全感的氛围，并可能阻碍稳固关系的建立。
The psychology of dating apps and insecurity.
约会应用与不安全感心理学。
One of the most consistent findings in neuroscience is that the brain treats relational uncertainty as a threat.
神经科学中最一致的发现之一是，大脑将关系不确定性视为一种威胁。
When someone goes quiet, pulls back, or keeps things deliberately vague, the attachment system activates.
当某人变得沉默、退缩或故意含糊其辞时，依恋系统就会被激活。
It is the same neurocircuitry that evolved to alert our ancestors to the danger of being separated from their group.
正是同样的神经回路，进化来提醒我们的祖先注意被群体隔离的危险。
It does not distinguish between a predator and an unanswered text.
它不会区分捕食者和未回复的短信。
It simply registers: something is wrong, and connection must be restored.
它只是记录：出了问题，必须恢复联系。
The issue is that people often get their signals crossed.
问题是人们经常误解彼此的信号。
Hot-and-cold behavior can activate our attachment systems, creating longing and urgency.
忽冷忽热的行为会激活我们的依恋系统，从而产生渴望和紧迫感。
This is typically misread as passion.
这通常被误读为激情。
The frequent checking of notifications, replaying every interaction, and searching social media for clues.
频繁查看通知，重播每一次互动，在社交媒体上寻找线索。
None of that is love.
那不是爱。
That is a nervous system trying to resolve a perceived threat.
这是一个神经系统试图解决感知到的威胁。
Many daters interpret this intense experience as passion.
许多约会者将这种强烈的体验解读为激情。
In this way, dating apps have industrialized uncertainty.
就这样，约会应用将不确定性工业化了。
A 2024 study found that 78% of app users felt emotionally exhausted by the experience.
2024年的一项研究发现，78%的应用程序用户在使用过程中感到精神疲惫。
Endless options mean never having to fully commit.
无尽的选项意味着永远不必完全投入。
Conversations start and stop without explanation.
对话开始和结束都没有解释。
Ghosting is frictionless.
"已读不回"是无摩擦的。
A 2023 survey found that 84% of users had been ghosted and that 66% had admitted to ghosting others.
2023年的一项调查发现，84%的用户曾被"已读不回"，66%的用户承认曾对他人"已读不回"。
These interactions take a psychological toll.
这些互动造成了心理上的负担。
Research shows that when we feel ignored or excluded, it affects us at our core.
研究表明，当我们感到被忽视或排斥时，这会从根本上影响我们。
We experience lower self-esteem, feel less in control of our lives, and perceive life as less meaningful.
我们体验到自尊心降低，感到对生活的掌控力减弱，并且认为生活缺乏意义。
The day-to-day reality of app-based dating, engaged one day and silent the next, quietly reshapes our most fundamental sense of ourselves and the world around us.
基于应用程序的约会日常现实——今天还热情似火，明天就沉默不语——正悄然重塑我们对自身和周围世界最基本的认知。
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