Hello, my name is Jessa and I'm a member of a hip hop collective called Doom Tree. I'm the one in the tank top. and I make my living as a performing and touring wrapper and singer. When we perform as a collective, this is what our shows look like.
大家好，我叫杰莎，是嘻哈团体“Doom Tree”的成员。穿着背心的就是我，我的职业是表演型巡演包装师兼歌手。当我们以团体形式演出时，这样的就是我们的演出风格。
I'm the one in the boots there's, a lot of jumping there's, a lot of sweating. It's loud. It's very high energy. Sometimes there are unintentional body checks on stage. Sometimes they are completely intentional.
我就是那个穿着靴子的人，表演过程中需要频繁跳跃、大量出汗，现场噪音很大，气氛充满高强度能量。有时舞台上会出现无意的身体碰撞，有时则是故意为之。
Body checks on stage. It's kind of a hybrid between an intramural hockey game and a concert. However, when I perform my own music as a solo artist, I tend to gravitate towards more melancholy sounds. A few years ago, I gave my mom the rough mixes of a new album and she said, baby is beautiful.
舞台上的现场演奏会堪称室内冰球赛与音乐会的结合体。不过当我以独唱艺术家身份演绎自己的作品时，往往倾向于采用更具忧郁色彩的音色。几年前，我将新专辑的初混版本送给母亲，她称赞道：“宝贝，这张专辑真美。”
But why is it always so sad? You always make music to bleed out to. I thought, who are you hanging out that you know that phrase, but over the course of my career, I'd written so many sad love songs that I got messages like this from fans release, new music, or a book.
但为什么悲伤总是如此常见呢？人们创作音乐，终究是为了宣泄情感。我曾纳闷：你究竟和谁来往密切，才会说出这样的话？然而在我的音乐生涯中，我创作了大量伤感的情歌，因此经常收到来自乐迷的消息——无论是关于新专辑发行、新作品发布还是新书出版。
I need help with my breakup, and after performing and recording and touring those songs for a long time, I found myself in a position in which my professional niche was essentially romantic devastation.
我需要帮助来应对这段分手经历。在长期演唱、录制并巡演这些歌曲后，我发现自己所处的职业领域本质上已完全沦为“情感创伤”的范畴。
What I hadn't been public about, however, was the fact that most of these songs had been written about the same guy. For two years we tried to sort ourselves out, and then for five, and on and off for ten.
然而，我始终没有公开的是：这些歌曲大多都是围绕同一个人物创作的。我们花了两年时间试图理清头绪，随后又花了五年，断断续续持续了十年之久。
And I was not only heartbroken, but I was. Ah. I was kind of embarrassed that I couldn't rebound from what other people seems to recover from so regularly. And even though I knew it wasn't doing either of us any good, I just couldn't figure out how to put the love down.
我不仅心碎不已，更是深感羞愧——因为自己无法像其他人那样如此轻易地从打击中恢复过来。尽管我知道这对我们双方都没有好处，但我实在想不出该如何放下这份爱。
Then drinking my wine one night, I saw a ted talk by a woman named dr. Helen Fisher, and she said that in her work She'd been able to map the coordinates of love in the human brain. And I thought, well, if I could find my love in my brain, maybe I could get it out so I went to twitter.
一天晚上喝葡萄酒时，我听了一场由海伦·费舍尔博士主讲的讲座。她提到自己在研究中成功绘制出了人类大脑中爱情活动的分布图。我心想：既然能在大脑里找到自己的爱情轨迹，或许就能将其呈现出来——于是便登录了推特。
Anybody got access on Fmri lab, like at midnight or something. I'll trade for backstage passes and whiskey. And that's dr. Shery Oman, who works at the University Of Minnesota's center for magnetic resonance research.
有没有人能在磁共振实验室里获得使用权限，比如午夜时段之类的？我愿意用后台通行证和威士忌来交换。这位就是明尼苏达大学磁共振研究中心的谢里·奥曼博士。
She took me up on it. I explained the Dr Fisher's protocol, and we decided to recreate it with the sample size of one me. So I got decked out in a pair of forest green scrubs, and I was laid on a gurney and wheeled into an Fmri machine.
她接受了我的提议。我向她详细说明了费舍尔博士的研究方案，我们决定以单个受试者为样本量来复现该实验。于是我穿上一套森林绿手术服，被安置在担架上，并推入功能性磁共振成像（fMRI）扫描仪中。
If you're unfamiliar with that technology. Essentially at Fmri machine is a big tubular magnet that tracks the progress of deoxigated iron in your blood. So it's essentially figuring out what parts of your brain are making the biggest metabolic demand at any given moment, and in that way can figure out which structures are associated with a task.
若您对该技术不熟悉：功能性磁共振成像（fMRI）设备本质上是一个大型管状磁体，可追踪血液中脱氧铁的分布动态。该设备通过分析特定时刻大脑各区域的代谢需求强度，从而确定与特定任务相关的脑结构。
Like tapping your finger, for example, will always light up the same region, or in my case, looking at pictures of your ex boyfriend, and then looking at pictures of a dude who just sort of resembled my ex boyfriend, but for whom I had no strong feelings.
例如，像用手指点击这样的操作总会激活相同的脑区；就我个人而言，当我查看前任男友的照片后，再看一个与他有些相似但并未引起我强烈感情的男子的照片时，也会产生类似反应。
He was the control. And when I left the machine, we had these really high resolution images of my brain, we could cleave the two halves apart. We can inflate the cortex to see inside all of the wrinkles, essentially, in a view that dr.
他是实验的对照组。当我离开实验装置时，我们已获得了我大脑的高分辨率图像，能够将大脑两半分离，并可扩张皮质层以观察其内部的所有褶皱结构——这本质上是一种三维视图。
Cheryl Oman called the brain skin rug. And we could see how my brain had behaved when I looked at images of both men. And this was important. We could track all of the activity when I looked at the control and when I looked at my x.
Cheryl Oman将这种脑部结构称为“脑皮层褶皱”。当我们观察这两名受试者的图像时，可以清晰地观察到我的大脑活动模式。这一点至关重要：我们能够追踪我在观看对照组图像与观看自身实验图像时的所有脑部活动变化。
And it was in comparing these data sets that would be able to find the love alone, in the same way that if I were to step on a scale fully dressed and then step on it again naked, the difference between those numbers would be the weight of my clothing.
唯有通过比较这些数据集，才能真正揭示其中的关联——就像当我穿着全套衣服站在体重秤上称重，再裸体再次称重时，两次数值之间的差异正是衣物的重量。
So, when we did that data comparison, we subtracted one from the other. We found activity in exactly the regions that Dr Fisher would have predicted that's me and that's my brain and love. There was activity in that little orange ventral teg mentalal area, that kind of loop of red is the anterior singulate, and that golden set of horns is the Cau dates.
因此，在进行数据比较时，我们对两者进行了差值计算。我们发现活动区域恰好与费舍尔博士预测的“我”、“我的大脑”及“爱”的功能区一致：在那个小橙色的腹侧被盖区存在活动；红色环状结构对应前扣带皮质；而金色角状结构则对应Cau日期标记区。
After she'd had time to analyze the data with her team and a couple of partners. Andrea, Phil, Cheryl, sent me an image, a single slide. It was my brain in cross section with one bright dot of activity that represented my feelings for this dude.
在她与团队及几位合作伙伴共同分析完数据后，安德莉亚、菲尔和谢丽尔给我发来一张幻灯片图像。画面呈现的是我的大脑横截面，其中有一个明亮的活动点，象征着我对这位男士的感情。
And I knew I'd known I was in love, and that's the whole reason I was going to these outrageous lengths. But having an image that proved it felt like such a vindication and like, yeah, it's all in my head.
我早就知道自己已经坠入爱河，这正是我甘愿采取如此极端手段的全部原因。但拥有一个能证明这一点的形象，却让我感到一种解脱——仿佛一切真的都只是我的想象罢了。
But now I know exactly where, and I also felt like an assassin who had her mark. That was what I had to annihilate. So I decided to embark on a course of treatment called neural feedback. I worked with a woman named Penny Gene Grace Fire, and she explained that what we'd be doing was training my brain.
但现在我确切地知道目标所在，同时也感觉自己如同一名已锁定目标的刺客——那正是我必须彻底清除的对象。因此，我决定接受一种名为“神经反馈”的治疗方案。我与一位名叫佩妮·吉恩·格雷斯·费尔的女性合作，她向我解释说，我们所做的正是对我的大脑进行训练。
We're not labotomizing anything. We're training it in the way that we would train a muscle, so that I would beed fxible enough, and resilience enough to respond appropriately to my circumstances. So, when we're on the treadmill, we would anticipate that our heart would beat and pound, and when we're asleep, we would ask that that muscle slow similarly when I'm in a longterm, viable, loving romantic relationship, the emotional centers of my brain should engage.
我们并未对任何生理机制进行手术式改造，而是采用类似训练肌肉的方式对其进行锻炼，使心脏具备足够的灵活性与适应性，能够根据具体情境作出恰当反应。因此，在跑步机上运动时，我们预期心脏会剧烈跳动；而在睡眠状态下，则要求心脏活动相应减缓。同样地，在长期稳定且充满爱意的恋爱关系中，大脑的情感中枢也应被激活。
And when I'm not in a long-term, viable emotional loving relationship, if they should eventually chill out, so. So she came over with a set of electrodes, just smaller than a dime, that were sensitive enough to detect my brainwaves through my bone and hair and scowl.
当我没有处于一段长期且稳定的情感关系中时，如果他们最终决定分开，也可以这样处理。于是她带来了一套电极装置——大小仅比一角硬币略小，其灵敏度足以穿透我的骨骼和头发、捕捉我的脑电波甚至面部表情变化。
And when she rigged me up, I could see my brain working in real time. And in another view, that she showed me, I could see exactly what, which parts of my brain were hyperactive, here displayed in red, hypoactive, here displayed in blue.
当她为我搭建实验装置后，我能够实时观察大脑的活动状态。在她展示的另一张视图中，我可以清晰地看到大脑哪些区域处于高活跃状态（此处以红色标示）或低活跃状态（此处以蓝色标示）。
And the healthy threshold of behavior, the green zone, the Goldilock zone, which is where I wanted to go. And we can in fact, isolate just those parts of my brain that were associated with the romantic regulation that we had identified.
而行为的健康阈值、即“绿区”或“金发姑娘区”，正是我想要达到的状态。事实上，我们完全可以分离出大脑中与我们已识别出的浪漫调节功能相关的特定区域。
An official, a study. So Penny Jean several times hooked me up with all her electrodes, and she explained that I didn't have to do or think anything. I just essentially had to hold pretty still and stay awake and watch.
一位工作人员进行了一项研究。佩妮·琼多次为我连接了所有电极，并解释说我不需要做任何动作或思考，只需保持身体静止、清醒并观察即可。
Um, so I did. And every time my brain operated in that healthy threshold, I got a little run of harp or viberphone music, and I just watched my brain rotate roughly the speed of a Euro machine on my dad's flat screen TV.
嗯，我确实如此。每次我的大脑处于这种健康的运作状态时，就会播放一段竖琴或振动电话的音乐；随后我就看着自己的大脑像一台欧洲产的机器一样，在父亲的平板电视屏幕上快速旋转。
And that was counterintuitive. She said that learning would be essentially unconscious. But then I thought about the other things that I had learned without actively engaging my conscious mind. When you write a bike, I don't really know what my left calf muscles doing, or how my littisticimous dorsite knows to engage.
这与我的直觉相悖。她认为学习本质上是无意识的。但随后我想起自己也曾遇到过许多无需主动运用意识就能完成的学习场景：比如写自行车时，我根本不知道自己的左小腿肌肉在做什么，也不知道脚背肌群是如何自主收缩的。
When I wobble to the right, the body just learns and similarly like Pavov's, dogs probably don't know a lot about like protein structures or the waveform of a ringing bell, but they salivate nonetheless because the body paired the stimuli finish.
当我向右摇摆时，身体会立即产生反应；同理，正如帕沃夫的研究所示，狗可能对蛋白质结构或钟声的波形知之甚少，但它们仍会分泌唾液——因为身体已将这些刺激信号成功关联起来。
The sessions went back to dr. Cheryl Olman's, Fmri machine and we repeated the protocol. The same images of the x of the control and in the interest of scientific rigor, Sheryl and her team didn't know who was who so that they couldn't influence the results, and after she had time to analyze that second set of data, she you sent me that image, she said.
实验流程重新回到Cheryl Olman博士的功能性磁共振成像（fMRI）设备，并重复了相同的操作方案。为确保科学严谨性，我们使用了对照组与实验组相同的脑部影像数据；Sheryl及其团队对受试者身份均不知情以避免影响结果。待她完成第二组数据的分析后，她将相关图像发送给了我。
Dude, a's dominance of your brain seems to essentially have been eradicated. I think this is the desired result comma. Yes, question one. And that was exactly the desired result. And finally I allowed myself a moment to introspect.
老兄，你大脑中的那种主导地位似乎已经基本被彻底消除了。我认为这正是我们想要的结果。没错，第一个问题的答案就是如此。最后，我终于抽出时间进行了一些自我反思。
Like, how, how did I feel? Um, and in one way, it felt like it was the same inventory of feelings that I'd had at the outset. this is an internal sunshine for the spotless mine. The dude wasn't a stranger, but I'd had love and jealousy and amity and attraction and respect, and all those complicated feelings that you will mass after long term loves.
具体来说，我当时的感觉是怎样的？嗯，从某种角度而言，这些情绪与我最初经历时的感受如出一辙。这种内心状态如同为那片纯净心灵带来的阳光般温暖。对方并非陌生人，但我曾经历过爱、嫉妒、友谊、吸引与尊重——所有那些在长期感情中才会涌现的复杂情感。
But it felt like the benevolent feelings had risen to the surface, and the feelings of fixation and the less generous feelings weren't quite so present. And that sounds like a small thing in some way, like this resequencing of feelings.
但那种善意的情感似乎已经浮现出来，而那种固执的情绪以及较为刻薄的情感则没那么明显了。从某种意义上说，这不过是一件小事——不过是情感的一种重新排列罢了。
But to me it felt like the biggest a like if I told you I'm going to anesthetize you and I'm also going to take out your wisdom teeth. It would really matter to you the sequence in which I did those teeth.
但对我来说，这就像告诉您我要为您实施麻醉并拔除智齿一样——您会非常在意我执行这些操作的具体顺序。
And I also felt like I'd, had this really unusual philosophical privilege to understand love. The lab offered to three d print my callate. I got to hold love in my hand, and then I bronzed it, and I made it into a necklace and sold it at the merge table at my shelves.
我还感到自己拥有了一种极为罕见的哲学特权——得以理解爱的本质。实验室主动提出为我制作三件卡莱特作品；我亲手将爱的概念具象化，将其铸成青铜雕塑，制成项链后陈列于我的展示架上出售。
With the help of a couple of friends back in Minneapolis, one of them Becky, we made an enormous disco ball of it that could descend from the ceiling at my big shows, and I felt like I'd had the opportunity to better understand love, even even the compulsive parts.
在明尼阿波利斯几位朋友（其中一位是贝基）的帮助下，我们用它制作了一个巨大的迪斯科球，在我的大型演出中可以从天花板降下；那一刻，我仿佛获得了更深刻理解爱情的机会——甚至包括爱情中那些令人无法抗拒的冲动部分。
It isn't a neat, symmetrical Valentine's heart. It's bodily. It's systemic. It is a hideous pair of ram's, horns buried somewhere deep within your skull. And when that special boy walks by, it lights up.
And if he likes you back and you make each other, they're happy. Then you fan the flames. And if he doesn't, then you assemble a team of neuroscientists to snuff them out.
这并非一个规整对称的情人节心形图案，而是具有实体形态、遍布全身的结构——宛如一对丑陋的公羊角，深埋于你的颅骨深处。当那个特别的男孩经过时，这个图案便会亮起；若他对你有好感且你们彼此吸引，两人便会幸福快乐；此时你便需进一步激发这份情感；若他并不感兴趣，则需召集神经科学家团队来彻底消除这种可能性。
