当亲密关系中的焦虑源于对“正常”的误解，我们该如何审视自身的期待与标准？一位31岁女性陷入困扰：新伴侣在性爱中体贴慷慨，却因插入式性交“仅持续几分钟”而被她担忧患有“早泄”。这封投向情感专栏的私密求助，揭开了一个普遍却鲜被公开讨论的迷思。
The Irish Times
By Roe McDermott
Apr 01, 2021 | 876 words | ★★☆☆☆
‘My partner lasts only a few minutes in bed. Any advice?’
“伴侣床上只能坚持几分钟，该怎么办？”
Dear Roe: He’s generous with oral sex, but don’t I know how to deal with his problem
尊敬的罗伊：他乐于口交，但我该如何处理他的“问题”？
Dear Roe – I'm a 31-year-old woman, and I've just started a new relationship with a man. We've been together two months and have been having sex for a month. I really like him, but I'm a bit worried he suffers from premature ejaculation. He's generous in bed when it comes to paying me attention and performing oral sex, but he really does not last long – a few minutes at most. I don't know how to bring it up or how to deal with this problem. Any advice?
bring somebody/something ↔ up phrasal verb
○ to mention a subject or start to talk about it提起〔话题〕 SYN raise:
■ Why did you have to bring up the subject of money?你为什么一定要提钱的事儿？
尊敬的罗伊：我今年31岁，刚开始与一位男士交往。我们相处两个月，发生性关系一个月。我真的很喜欢他，但有点担心他可能存在早泄问题。在床上他非常体贴，也乐于为我口交，但他的确持续时间很短——最多几分钟。我不知道该如何提出这个问题，也不知该如何处理。您有什么建议吗？
I do have advice, although it may not be the type you were hoping for, because I’m not convinced your partner has a problem. You’ve only been having sex for a month so are still in that novel, crazily charged and excited stage of your attraction to each other, which can affect performance. Many men (and people with penises: trans women and nonbinary people can have penises, too, although I’ll refer to men here, as your partner is man) finish quickly the first few times they have sex with a new person – understandably! Sex with a new person is exciting and nerve-racking and a host of other feelings and sensations that might make them orgasm quickly.
写作亮点①：用「a host of」描述复杂感受
原句：
Sex with a new person is exciting and nerve-racking and a host of other feelings and sensations that might make them orgasm quickly.
模板提炼：[某事] involves/causes/brings about a host of [复数名词].
a host of 意为 “大量的，许多的” ，用来修饰可数名词（如 feelings, reasons, problems）。它比 many 更正式，比 a lot of 更优雅，能有效表达事物的多样性和复杂性。在描述社会现象、个人经历或问题成因的复杂性时，使用这个短语能提升词汇的丰富度。
仿写训练：描述适应大学生活的挑战。
适应大学生活会带来一系列挑战，从独立管理时间到建立新的社交圈。
Transitioning to college life presents a host of challenges, from managing time independently to building new social circles.
charged /tʃɑːdʒd/ adjective
○ a charged situation or subject makes people feel very angry, anxious, or excited, and is likely to cause arguments or violence引起强烈感情的﹔〔气氛〕紧张的:
■ a highly charged debate异常激烈的辩论
nerve-racking, nerve-wracking adjective
○ a nerve-racking situation makes you feel very nervous or worried令人紧张的﹔令人不安的:
■ Speaking in public can be a nerve-wracking experience.当众发言会是件令人非常紧张的事。
我确实有些建议，虽然可能不是你期待的那种——因为我不认为你的伴侣存在所谓“问题”。你们发生关系仅一个月，仍处于彼此吸引的新鲜、激情澎湃的阶段，这本身就会影响表现。许多男性（以及拥有阴茎的人：跨性别女性和非二元性别者也可能拥有阴茎，但此处因你的伴侣是男性，我将使用“男性”指代）在与新伴侣的最初几次性交中都会很快结束——这完全可以理解！与新伴侣的性爱令人兴奋、紧张，掺杂着各种可能促使快速高潮的情感和感官刺激。
Often, when you’ve been with someone a while and you both become more comfortable and familiar with each other’s bodies and your own sexual responses, sex can last longer. But “longer” is a relative term, and I’m wondering what your definition of that is – and what your definition of “premature ejaculation” is, to boot. Premature ejaculation is a difficult thing to diagnose, and it’s a term I’m wary of, because it’s hugely subjective. Diagnoses are largely based on the man himself feeling unhappy with how quickly he ejaculates, but this itself is based on the assumption that there’s an ideal amount of time a man should last before ejaculating – and many men overestimate how long other men last.
to boot
○ in addition to everything else you have mentioned并且﹐加之:
■ She was a great sportswoman, and beautiful to boot.她是一名伟大的运动员﹐同时也是个大美人。
通常，当两人相处一段时间后，彼此对身体和性反应更加熟悉、适应，性交时间往往会延长。但“更长”是个相对概念，我好奇你对这个词语的定义——以及你究竟如何定义“早泄”。早泄是难以诊断的，我对这个术语持谨慎态度，因为它具有极强的主观性。诊断很大程度上基于男性对自己射精过快感到不满，但这本身建立在“男性射精前应持续理想时长”的假设之上——而许多男性往往高估了其他人的持续时间。
The reality is that during penetrative sex, on average, most men last between three and eight minutes before ejaculating. This means both that the average time a man lasts varies significantly while still being considered average, and that most men aren’t putting in an hour-long performance (and shouldn’t be expected to.) So when you say your partner finishes within “a few minutes”, that sounds about right.
现实情况是，在插入式性交中，大多数男性平均在射精前能持续三到八分钟。这意味着：一方面，被视为“平均”的持续时间本身就有很大差异；另一方面，大多数男性并非在进行长达一小时的“表演”（也不该被如此期望）。所以当你说伴侣在“几分钟”内结束，这听起来完全正常。
Apart from these misconceptions around the length of times a man “should” last, there’s another reason I’m wary of your describing your partner’s problem as “premature ejaculation”. The diagnosis should be based on the individual’s dissatisfaction with their performance and the impact it has on their life. But he hasn’t said he’s dissatisfied; you have. What you’re doing is slapping him with a diagnosis based on your standards, expectations and enjoyment – not his. It’s akin to seeing someone be quiet and low key and deciding they have depression because you prefer to be more sociable, even though they could be perfectly happy.
akin to
○ something very similar to something与某事物相似的﹐与某事物类似的:
■ Something akin to panic overwhelmed him.一种近似惊恐的感觉使他不知所措。
low-key adjective
○ not intended to attract a lot of attention to an event, subject, or thing低调的:
■ They want the funeral to be as low-key as possible.他们希望葬礼办得尽量低调。
除了关于男性“应该”持续多久的误解外，我之所以谨慎看待你将伴侣情况描述为“早泄”，还有另一个原因。诊断应基于个体对自身表现的不满及其对生活的影响。但他并未表达不满；不满的是你。你正在做的是用自己的标准、期望和愉悦度来给他“贴上诊断标签”。这好比看到某人安静低调，就因为他不符合你偏好的社交方式而断定他患有抑郁症——尽管他可能非常快乐。
And those standards and expectations of yours? They seem limited. You say yourself that your new man is generous when it comes to oral sex and foreplay, which is fantastic. Yet you believe there’s a problem because you think your man finishes during penetrative sex too quickly. Maybe the problem isn’t your partner but how you’re choosing to prioritise a very limited aspect of your sex life.
至于你的那些标准和期望？它们似乎有些局限。你自己也提到，这位新伴侣在口交和前戏方面十分慷慨，这非常棒。然而你认为存在问题，仅仅因为觉得他在插入式性交中结束得太快。或许问题不在于你的伴侣，而在于你选择将性生活中一个非常有限的环节置于过高的优先级。
You may well enjoy being penetrated above anything else, and that’s fine – and completely manageable. During penetrative sex, tell him to let you know if he’s getting close to ejaculating, so that you can take a break. This doesn’t mean all penetration has to stop; get him to use his hands, tongue or a sex toy on you for a few minutes, until he feels ready to have penetrative sex again.
你可能确实最喜欢被插入的感觉，这完全正常——也完全可以妥善处理。在进行插入式性交时，可以请他快要射精时告诉你，以便暂停。这并不意味着所有插入行为都必须停止；可以让他用手、舌或性玩具为你服务几分钟，直到他准备好再次进行插入式性交。
You can also ask him if there are certain positions that are less sensitive for him, or would he be comfortable trying some thicker condoms, which might lessen his sensitivity, so you can have penetrative sex for longer. But do be aware of what you’re valuing and prioritising, and what you’re asking. Because the reality could be that you actually have a great sex life with this person, but by imposing arbitrary standards you’re not realising it. And it would be an all-too-unfortunate irony if your relationship were to finish too quickly because of that.
你还可以询问他是否有某些姿势敏感度较低，或者是否愿意尝试稍厚的安全套来降低敏感度，从而延长插入式性交时间。但请务必审视自己重视和优先考量的是什么，以及你在要求什么。因为现实可能是：你与这位伴侣实际上拥有很好的性生活，却因强加武断的标准而未能意识到这一点。若因此让你们的关系过早结束，那将是一种令人遗憾的讽刺。▇
