Although we have a choice in becoming the people we strive to be, it is without a doubt that our childhoods shape us to a certain extent. How we choose to react to different situations in the way we express ourselves, are behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a young age, when we first begin to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment, marriage and family.
尽管我们有选择成为理想中自己的权利，但毋庸置疑，童年经历在一定程度上塑造了我们的性格。我们如何选择以特定方式表达自我来应对不同情境，这些行为模式从幼年时期就开始形成——那时我们刚开始学习理解周围环境、婚姻与家庭关系。
Counselors dr. And K. Yurovik discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing. A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations of how we respond to our romantic partners.
咨询师安德·尤罗维克博士发现，每个人根据成长环境都会形成特定的恋爱风格。这种恋爱风格由我们与伴侣互动时的倾向性反应构成。
By understanding how we love, we can learn how our love styles affect our relationships. Here are dr. Milan and K Yurovik's. Five love styles, one the pleaser. The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry and critical parent.
通过理解我们的爱的方式，我们可以了解不同爱的风格如何影响人际关系。以下是米兰博士和K·尤罗维克提出的五种爱的风格，其中一种是取悦型。取悦型个体通常成长于父母过度保护或愤怒且挑剔的家庭环境中。
As children, pleasers do everything they can to be good and be on their best behavior, so as to not provoke a negative response from their parent. Please or children don't receive comfort. Instead, they spend their time and energy giving comfort to their reactive parent.
儿童时期，讨好者会竭尽所能表现良好并保持最佳行为，以避免引发父母的负面反应。讨好者或儿童并未获得安慰，反而耗费其时间与精力去安抚反应过度的父母。
Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict and deal with disagreement by often giving in or making up for them. Quickly, they usually have a hard time saying no. And because they want to minimalize conflict, they may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations.
易妥协者对冲突感到不适，通常通过让步或弥补分歧来处理分歧。他们往往难以迅速说“不”。由于希望最小化冲突，他们可能不诚实并撒谎以避免棘手的对抗。
As pleaser children grow into adults, they learn to read the moods of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy. However, when pleasers feel stressed or believed that they are continuously letting someone down, they can have a breakdown and flee from relationships.
当讨好型人格的儿童成长为成年人后，他们会学会解读周围人的情绪，以确保能让所有人保持愉悦。然而，当这类人感到压力过大或认为自己总在让他人失望时，就可能崩溃并逃离人际关系。
Pleasers often spread themselves then trying to be everything to everyone when it's not realistic. And instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves, they focus more on the needs and desires of others.
人们常常过度迁就，试图在不现实的情况下满足所有人的需求。他们没有为自己建立健康的界限，反而更关注他人的需要和欲望。
In order for pleasers to cultivate stable relationships, they have to be honest about their own feelings rather than trying to do what is expected of them. Two. The victim. The victim often grows up in a chaotic home.
为使伴侣能建立稳定关系，他们必须坦诚表达自身感受，而非刻意迎合他人期待。二、受害者。受害者通常成长于混乱的家庭环境中。
Victims learn to be compliant in order to survive by putting less attention on themselves so they can stay under the radar to deal with their angry, violent parents. Victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet, because being fully present is painful for them.
受害者通过减少自我关注以保持低调，从而学会顺从以求生存，以便应对愤怒且暴力的父母。受害儿童在很小的年龄就学会了隐藏和保持沉默，因为完全投入其中对他们来说是痛苦的。
Victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the dangers they face on a daily basis. Victims have low self-esteem and usually struggle with anxiety and depression. They may end up marrying controllers who mirror the same behaviors as their parents.
受害儿童常在脑海中构建一个想象世界，以应对日常面临的危险。受害者自尊心低下，通常伴有焦虑和抑郁症状。他们最终可能与控制型人格者结婚，这些配偶的行为模式与其父母相似。
Victims learn to cope by being adaptable and going with the flow. They are so used to chaos and stressful situations that when they do experience calmness, it actually makes them feel uneasy because the anticipate the next blow up.
受害者通过适应性调整和顺其自然来应对。他们早已习惯混乱和压力情境，因此当真正经历平静时，反而会感到不安，因为他们预感到下一次爆发。
In order for victims to cultivate healthy, stable relationships, they have to learn self love and stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it, instead of letting their partner walk all over them.
为使受害者能建立健康稳定的人际关系，他们必须学会自我关爱，并在必要时挺身而出维护自身权益，而非任由伴侣肆意欺凌。
Three. The controller. The controller usually grows up in a home where there wasn't a lot of protection, so they learned to toughen up until take care of themselves. They need to feel in control at all times, to prevent the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood from being exposed in their adulthood.
三、控制者。这类个体通常成长于缺乏保护的家庭环境中，因此他们学会自我强化直至能够独立生活。他们需要时刻保持掌控感，以防止童年时期经历的脆弱性在成年后暴露。
People with this lovestyle believe that they're in control when they can avoid experiencing negative feelings of fear, humiliation and helplessness. Controllers, however, Don't, associate anger as a vulnerability, so they use it as a weapon to remain in power.
具有这种爱情风格的人认为，当他们能够避免经历恐惧、羞辱和无助等负面情绪时，自己处于控制状态。然而，控制型人格者并不认同这一观点，他们将愤怒视为一种脆弱性，因此将其作为维持权力的武器。
Controllers have rigid tendencies, but may also be sporadic and unpredictable. They don't like stepping out of their comfort zones because it makes them feel weak and unprotected. They prefer to solve problems on their own and like getting things done in a certain manner.
控制型人格具有固执倾向，但行为也可能零星且难以预测。这类人不愿走出舒适区，因为这会让他们感到脆弱和缺乏安全感。他们倾向于独自解决问题，并偏好以特定方式完成任务。
Otherwise they get angry. In order for controllers to form stable, longlasting relationships, they need to learn how to let go, trust others, and keep their anger at bay. Four. The vacillator. The vacillator often grows up with an unpredictable parent.
否则他们会发怒。为了与控制者建立稳定持久的关系，他们需要学会放手、信任他人，并将愤怒控制在一定范围内。四、摇摆者。摇摆者通常在父母行为不可预测的环境中成长。
As children, vacillators learned that their needs aren't their parents top priority. Without insistent affection from their parent, vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment. But when the parent finally feels like giving their time and attention to them, vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it.
在童年时期，摇摆者（vacillators）逐渐认识到自身需求并非父母的首要关注。若缺乏父母的持续关爱，这类个体会形成对被遗弃的深层恐惧。然而当父母最终愿意投入时间与关注时，摇摆者往往因愤怒与疲惫而无法接受。
As vacillators enter adulthood, they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children. Vacillators have a tendency to idealize new relationships, but once they feel led down or disappointed, they grow dejected and doubtful.
当摇摆者步入成年期时，他们试图寻找童年时期所缺失的稳定爱情。这类人群往往对新关系抱有理想化倾向，但一旦感到被误导或失望，便会陷入沮丧与怀疑。
They often feel misunderstood and experience a lot of internal conflict and emotional stress within their relationships. They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive, which allows them to detect even the slightest change in others and no one people are pulling away.
他们常感到被误解，在人际关系中承受着巨大的内心冲突与情绪压力。这类人往往极其敏感且洞察力敏锐，能察觉他人最细微的变化，也察觉不到有人正在疏远自己。
In order for vacillators to cultivate healthy, stable relationships. They need to learn how to pace themselves and get to know someone, before committing too soon and getting hurt by their own expectations.
为了帮助恋爱中的人建立健康稳定的关系，他们需要学会自我调节节奏，先深入了解对方，再做出过早承诺，以免因过早的期待而受伤。
Five. The avoider. The avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self reliance. As children, avoiders learn to take care of themselves starting at a very young age, and put their feelings and needs on hold to deal with their anxieties of having little to no comfort from their parents.
五、回避型人格。回避型人格者通常成长于情感淡漠的家庭环境中，这种环境更重视独立与自立。他们在幼年时期便学会自我照顾，为应对父母极少给予的安慰而压抑自身情感与需求。
Avoiders tend to like their space and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions. They get uncomfortable when people around them experience intense mood swings. In order for avoiders to to cultivate healthy, long lasting relationships, they need to learn how to open up and express their emotions.
回避型人格者往往珍视个人空间，更倾向于依赖逻辑与理性而非情感。当周围人经历剧烈情绪波动时，他们容易感到不适。若想建立健康持久的人际关系，这类人群需要学会敞开心扉，表达自身情感。
Honestly, which love style do you identify with? Please share your thoughts with us below.
说真的，你更喜欢哪种恋爱方式？欢迎在下方留言分享你的想法。
