The Benefit of “Marrying Down”
Today, a successful single woman who falls for a man making less money than she does or not sharing her career ambition may face not-so-subtle disapproval from friends and family and be considered as she is “marrying down”.
As a couples therapist, the notion of marrying down strikes me as impossibly out of date. It’s right out of the “Downton Abbey” era, when suitable marriages were entirely a matter of matching people according to social class and fortune—hence the panic when Lord Grantham’s youngest daughter marries the family’s Irish driver.
The notion that women should “marry up” endured well past the most prosperous period of the English gentry, and the most successful breadwinners were considered the most desirable mates. Well into the 20th century, relatively few high-paying jobs were available to women, so for the most part, women went to college to get their M.R.S., or maybe to land the kind of work that would put them near the right professional men.
Today, more women than men are graduating from college and graduate school. Pew Research data over the past 50 years shows that in 2012, 27% of newly-married women married a spouse with less education, while only 15% of newly-married men did the same.
More education doesn’t necessarily lead to greater earning power. In most U.S. cities, single, childless women under 30 now make more money than their male peers, per Reach Advisors analysis.
For most strong, successful women, the alpha male of old isn’t the best match: The alpha male will assume his priorities should dominate, while the alpha woman will assert hers. That is the hardest conflict to deal with.
What high-achieving women need are men strong enough to support their achievements, contribute to the household in services or money, and be loving partners.
Today’s romances suggest that growing numbers of smart women and men are marrying neither up nor down—they’re just marrying the right person.
