This environment also pulls different attachment styles into（拉入，卷入，使进入） destabilizing loops（不稳定循环，恶性循环）.
这种环境还会将不同的依恋模式拉入不稳定的循环中。
Anxiously attached individuals, who are highly sensitive to rejection, experience heightened preoccupation and emotional swings.
焦虑型依恋个体对拒绝高度敏感，他们会经历强烈的忧虑和情绪波动。
Avoidantly attached individuals, who fear closeness, retreat into ambiguity, which allows a semblance（外表，外观） of connection while avoiding commitment.
害怕亲密的回避型依恋者会退回到模糊不清的状态，这样既能维持表面上的联系，又不必做出承诺。
Both get stuck incyclesreinforcedby technology designed to keep users engaged.
两者都陷入了由技术强化的循环中，这些技术旨在让用户持续参与。
Our culture reinforces the problem.
我们的文化加剧了这个问题。
Dating advice promotes "playing it cool" and strategic ambiguity, behaviors that run counter to（与……相悖，背道而驰） what actually builds secure relationships.
约会建议提倡“保持冷静”和策略性的模糊态度，这些行为与真正建立稳固关系的方式背道而驰。
The available, direct person who gets written off as（将……视为没有价值、失败等，草率认定） "not exciting" is often the best possible partner.
那些直率、真诚的人，常被草率地贴上”无趣”标签，却往往是最佳伴侣。
Rejected for exactly the qualitiesthat make them so.
正是那些让他们如此的特质，导致了他们被拒绝。
The part of this conversation that often gets left out（被遗漏，被忽略） is that attachment security is not fixed.
这部分对话经常被忽略的是，依恋安全感并不是固定不变的。
The brain is plastic（可塑的，塑料的）.
大脑是可塑的。
What shapes it is the environment we immerse ourselves in, including the one we create in dating.
是什么塑造了它，是我们所处的环境，包括我们在约会中创造的环境。
Adjusting to the dating app era.
适应交友应用时代。
In my clinical work, I've developed an approach based on neuroscience and attachment that focuses less on analyzing the past and more on building security in real time.
在我的临床工作中，我开发了一种基于神经科学和依恋理论的方法，这种方法较少关注分析过去，而更注重实时建立安全感。
Central to this is learning what I call the five pillars of secure mode: consistency,availability,
responsiveness, reliability, and predictability.
其中的核心是学习我所说的安全模式的五大支柱：一致性、可用性、响应性、可靠性和可预测性。
A patient of mine met her now-husband on what was supposed to
be a one-night stand.
我的一位病人与她现在的丈夫相遇于本应只是一夜情的关系。
They had a lot of fun, and that one
night turned into two.
他们玩得很开心，那一晚变成了两晚。
But in between, he wasn't very responsive over text.
但在那之间，他发短信时不是很积极。
The second morning he left, she told him:"Listen, I like you, but I need people in my life to be consistent and responsive.
第二天早上他离开时，她告诉他：“听着，我喜欢你，但我需要生活中的人保持稳定并能及时回应。
If not, it doesn't work for me." He told her he was notoriously unresponsive.
如果不是这样，那对我来说就行不通。”他告诉她，他以反应迟钝而闻名。
But he promised to try.
但他承诺会尽力。
Ten years, two kids, and a marriage
later, he has.
十年过去了，有了两个孩子，也结了婚，他做到了。
What she did was make a small, clear request that established the conditions for a secure connection.
她所做的就是提出一个简单而明确的要求，为建立安全的连接设定了条件。
It didn't require a dramatic declaration.
这并不需要一个戏剧性的声明。
It required the willingness to say what she needed before ambiguity filled the space.
这需要她愿意在模棱两可占据空间之前说出自己的需求。
Not feeling judgedmade it easier forher now-husband to respond in kind（以同样的方式，以实物非金钱方式）.
不被评判的感觉让她现在的丈夫更容易以同样的方式回应。
To be clear, I am not arguing thatdating apps have ruined love.
需要明确的是，我并不是在主张约会软件破坏了爱情。
Many people meet on apps like Hinge and build something wonderful.
许多人在Hinge这样的应用上相遇并建立起美好的关系。
But for the large number of people who are dating and feeling worse, the problem is not a personal failing.
但对于大量正在约会却感觉更糟的人来说，问题不在于个人失败。
It is an environment built to maximize scrolling, not security.
这是一个旨在最大化滚动而非安全性的环境。
Unavailability is not mysterious.
不可用性并不神秘。
The nervous system activation that gets marketed as chemistry is sometimes just stress.
被营销为化学反应的那种神经系统激活，有时只是压力。
The person who shows upconsistently, responds when you reach out, and says what they mean is often dismissed as（被轻视为） available and therefore "boring." But that's exactly the kind of partner the research keeps pointing toward（指向，表明趋势或方向）.
那个总是出现的人，在你联系时及时回应，并且言出必行的人，常常因为太容易得到而被忽视，甚至被认为是“无趣”。但这正是研究不断指向的那种合作伙伴。
Secure dating is built in small, consistent moments from day one, preventing ambiguity from becoming the norm.
安全的约会关系是从第一天起通过微小而持续的瞬间建立起来的，防止模糊不清成为常态。
The shift is not to abandon dating, but to approach it from a secure stance: prioritize clarity over uncertainty.
这种转变并不是要放弃约会，而是要以一种安全的态度去面对它：优先考虑明确性，而不是不确定性。
Let intensity grow from meaningfulconnection, rather than from the ups and downs of insecure relating.
让强度从有意义的连接中产生，而不是从不安全关系的起伏中产生。
We can create our own secure dating culture and, by doing so, increase the chances oflong-term relationship satisfaction.
我们可以创建属于自己的安全约会文化，通过这样做，提高长期恋爱关系满意度的几率。
For the hopelessromantic that I am, dating this way isn't just about
making it more tolerable in the present.
对于我这样一个无可救药的浪漫主义者来说，以这种方式约会不仅仅是为了让当下更容易忍受。
It's about choosing someone who shows up consistently.
这是关于选择一个始终如一的人。
That's the kind of connection most
likely to last.
这就是最有可能持久的那种联系。
